I don't really have any one specific thing I want to write about at the moment, yet at the same time I have so many things I want to write about.
I tend to be a very determined person. When I set my mind to something I do everything and anything in my power to make it happen. I am not one of those people who believe that opportunities just fall into your lap, I'll admit that sometimes you get lucky and even then you have to work hard to get yourself into the position to be able to accept certain opportunities,but for the most part I think you have to work really hard to make things happen for you. As a friend of mine once told me, "Cyn, you have always set goals for yourself, you say 'I am going to do this' and every single time you actually do those things." It's true. I said I was going to move away from my parents house asap...and I did. I said I was going to study abroad in Italy...and I did. I said I was going to move to Italy when I finished at UCD...and I did. I did everything I could possibly do to make sure these things could happen. Another friend also told me recently that I am very determined, she said that it might take me some time to 'get there', i.e. make up my mind, but once I do I am very steadfast. I have thought about it and it's true. I have come to accept the fact that I am a strong woman and that when I say I am going to do something, I usually tend to do it. I also tend to be a person who has a very clear view, very clear ideas about where I am headed, what I want to be doing....I am a person who almost always has a path.
For one of the first times in my life I am pathless and I am having a hard time with that. It is a dilemma with two sides to it. On the one hand, I am free as a bird, which is liberating. The only thing I know is that I want to apply to some grad schools... I was recently asked where I wanted to apply and it hit me... I can apply anywhere! If I feel like applying to a program in Australia then I can, there is nothing stopping me. I can go wherever the wind blows me. I have no one I have to answer to...the world is my oyster! On the other hand, the very idea of not having a clear path makes me nervous. I think aside from the pathlessness the other thing I am having a hard time with is finding motivation. I think I am just so scared to figure things out that it's hard to find the motivation to move along. I know certain things I want to do... I have always wanted to live in New York, even if just for a year...now the only thing stopping me is that I have to finish school here. I skipped the exam session in January/February for some pretty obvious reasons. I was nowhere near the right mindset to do much of anything. Basically, I was a wreck. After a while I was fine, but I just couldn't find the motivation to study for the June/July session...I don't know if I was sabotaging myself and trying to let my study visa expire and therefore saving me the trouble of figuring out whether to stay or go....or if I was putting off actually moving forward towards being truly free of everything that is tying me to Italy. Either way, I find myself with only the September session left and a couple of exams I have to take if I want to keep my study visa/the right to keep living in Italy. I know I have to get studying and I can already feel the determined Cynthia, the Cynthia I haven't seen in a while stirring somewhere inside of me. If there is one aspect of my life where I have been most determined it has been in my studies. Something a friend told me last night basically hit the nail on the head... his response to my lack of motivation was just what I needed to hear...it went something along the lines of "What do you mean you need motivation? It's your fucking life, how's that for motivation." Honest, concise and just what I needed!
This past year has turned my world upside down. I had a very clear and solid path which I had been on for over 5 years and suddenly it's not that the path has taken an unexpected turn...the path is completely gone. Suddenly I find myself having to figure it out all over again. I find that I am single for the first time in my adult life, the main reason for my being in Italy no longer exists, doors that I had shut years ago have suddenly reopened and I have to admit that I am terrified of the possibilities.
I don't know how to date...I may be overweight but I've never had any problems meeting men and I have never had any issues finding men to date, but dating is different when you are 17, 18, 19 than when you are 25. I am so used to being in a couple, that this whole having-to-think-of-"me"-and-not-"we"' thing has taken some getting used to. There are certain things that I do miss about being in a relationship... I miss having someone to share certain things with, I miss having someone to be sweet with, I miss having someone to cook for...and, we're all adults here so let's be honest, I miss the sex...I really miss sex. I am not saying that I miss all these things with my ex in mind, I just miss them in general. I have a friend who I am so grateful for...he has helped me more than he can imagine in this period... I mean we spend ridiculous amounts of time together, we get along very well, we have similar interests, he makes me laugh, I can be honest with him (even if it upsets him sometime) and vice versa, he gives me another person to cook for (which I am extremely grateful for), he has helped ease my transition from coupledom to single life... I have a friend who calls him my non-boyfriend-boyfriend, which I find very entertaining. There is nothing romantic between us, he is a very handsome guy but not my type and I find this friendship very comforting and I feel like it came along just when I needed it. We haven't known each other for a very long time, but I trust him, which knowing how I am about men is nothing short of a miracle!
Basically, there have been a ton of changes in this past year and I am terrified and yet exhilarated at the same time about what is to come. I still have a lot of stuff to figure out but for now I am going to try to focus on finishing school here, taking the GRE's, making the most of being in Europe while I can...and most importantly I am going to continue doing what is going to make me happy and once I find my motivation (which, as I mentioned, I am beginning to feel once again) and most importantly my determination, there will be no stopping me!
