Saturday, July 17, 2010
Top O' the Mornin' to ya!!!
I am off to Ireland for the next two weeks.... I'm feeling excited, nervous, scared...let's hope I am up to the challenge!!!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Sometimes you just need to write...
I don't even know what I want to write about. I just feel frustrated at the moment and I feel... I don't even know how to describe it, I feel so many emotions, some muted, others not as much. My day started off pretty shitty, but then took a very welcome turn and was wonderful... and now... I feel like I need to learn when to keep my big mouth shut! It is so hard to do so when you see a friend heading down a path that is going to lead to them getting hurt. I didn't mean to be as harsh as I was and I know it wasn't what he wanted to hear, but often you don't see things when you are the one dealing with them... sometimes you can't see clearly when you are too close to the situation. There are people who will just sit pretty and not say anything and let you go about your life, well, that's not me! He comes to me telling me about what is going on in his life, and I hate knowing that he is hurting in any way and I hate that he's suffering but when you're asking my opinion and he is clearly taking actions that are just going to cause him more pain.. I'm going to say something. I am not the type of friend who isn't going to say anything, you may choose to listen to me, you may choose to tell me to fuck off, you may choose to pretend you didn't hear... and I know it's not what you want to hear and I am sorry about that, but that is the type of friend I am. Even though I may have told you the cold and bitter truth I will still be around when you call me crying or when you need to vent or when you need to talk about the same thing for the tenth time, because once again, that is the type of friend I am!
Why do I even care? He is a close friend, I care deeply for him. He has been in my life since I was 18 and I don't talk about him often because he is a deeply private matter in my life. Sometimes I wonder why we are friends...We are so incredibly different and yet we are so alike. Despite all the reasons out there why we shouldn't be friends, despite the age difference, despite the distance, despite the different lifestyles, we are friends and we have managed to remain friends for 7 years now. He supported me through difficult times and vice versa, he allows me to divulge some innermost fears and thoughts and there is no judgement. He never judged me and he knew me at my worst. There have been arguments, I have been a bitch, he has been a dick, it hasn't happened often, but we always bounce back from it but we're always there when the other needs us. He fulfills something, I don't know what. I worry about him, he's going through a rough time at the moment. I will be his shoulder to lean on, just as he was for me so many years ago and as he was once again a few months back.
It is a friendship few would understand, it is a friendship few would be able to grasp, it is a friendship I don't talk about very often because it is a friendship I hold very dear to me and I would hate to hear judgement be passed on it. I know we'll talk tomorrow or the day after and I know he won't be angry and I will ask him how everything went and if things went the way I think they might I won't say I told you so, I will be there and I will listen...
...that's just the kind of friend I am.
Why do I even care? He is a close friend, I care deeply for him. He has been in my life since I was 18 and I don't talk about him often because he is a deeply private matter in my life. Sometimes I wonder why we are friends...We are so incredibly different and yet we are so alike. Despite all the reasons out there why we shouldn't be friends, despite the age difference, despite the distance, despite the different lifestyles, we are friends and we have managed to remain friends for 7 years now. He supported me through difficult times and vice versa, he allows me to divulge some innermost fears and thoughts and there is no judgement. He never judged me and he knew me at my worst. There have been arguments, I have been a bitch, he has been a dick, it hasn't happened often, but we always bounce back from it but we're always there when the other needs us. He fulfills something, I don't know what. I worry about him, he's going through a rough time at the moment. I will be his shoulder to lean on, just as he was for me so many years ago and as he was once again a few months back.
It is a friendship few would understand, it is a friendship few would be able to grasp, it is a friendship I don't talk about very often because it is a friendship I hold very dear to me and I would hate to hear judgement be passed on it. I know we'll talk tomorrow or the day after and I know he won't be angry and I will ask him how everything went and if things went the way I think they might I won't say I told you so, I will be there and I will listen...
...that's just the kind of friend I am.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Greek philosophy for thought
I am currently staying at my friends house while they are on vacation. I love staying here, aside from the fact that I get the entire house to myself and that I usually get to play with the cutest dog ever and the fact that they have a bunch of cool toys to play with while I'm here, one of the nicest things is the vibe in this house. It has such a positive energy and is so uplifting. She is such an inspirational person and so full of hope and life and you can definitely tell that just by taking a look around her house. I found this little quote in the bathroom:
"First say to yourself what you would be;
and then do what you have to do."
-EPICTETUS, Greek Philosopher
It's a pretty simple concept. How is it that we always manage to complicate it? We always seem to lose sight of the prize, lose sight of our goals, get consumed by mundane things in life with little to no importance or value... Why is that?
I think I need to say this little phrase every morning, just as a little reminder!
"First say to yourself what you would be;
and then do what you have to do."
-EPICTETUS, Greek Philosopher
It's a pretty simple concept. How is it that we always manage to complicate it? We always seem to lose sight of the prize, lose sight of our goals, get consumed by mundane things in life with little to no importance or value... Why is that?
I think I need to say this little phrase every morning, just as a little reminder!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Something to never forget.
This was always one of my favorite poems growing up, and now as an adult I love and appreciate it even more!
Listen to the MUSN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me –
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.
~Shel Silverstein
Listen to the MUSN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me –
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.
~Shel Silverstein
"Non volevo quello che meritava, volevo quello bello"
I was having lunch with my roommate, or rather we both just ended up eating lunch around the same time, and she mentioned how when she was younger there was this guy who liked her. He was nerdy, skinny, pale, liked Shakespeare, math, played the piano...etc, by western society's socio-cultural norms this kid was a geek (mind you they were anywhere in the age range of 18-21). Now, I tend to have a thing for geeks, so much so, that I used to be the proud owner of a shirt that said " I ♥ NERDS". Anyway, she mentioned how this guy was very nice, he was a good guy, he was smart, funny, helpful and whatnot, she laughs and mentions how basically that guy is exactly what her boyfriend now is like. She turns to me and goes "5-7 years later I ended up with someone who is exactly like this guy who I would have never dated back then." She then said something that is more true than she could ever know "I didn't want the guy who was worth it, I wanted the hot one." Ah, the age old parable... girl (or boy) doesn't realize what s(he) has in front of her(him) at the time but comes to realize it with time. Haven't we all been in this situation at least once in our lives? I know I have, both as the one who didn't realize what I had in front of me and as the one who wasn't given the value they deserved and was therefore passed over. I guess sometimes it just takes time to realize what (and who) merits our time and what (and who) doesn't. Unfortunately, by the time we grow up, mature and realize what truly matters it's too late...Or is it? maybe it just means next time you are in a similar situation you are able to see what you have in front of you.
I know we have all heard it...looks fade, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, eventually all you are left with is a companion... let's face it when we are younger we hear these sayings time and time again, but we don't care. We want the hot one, the ones our friends think are hot, they can have their faults, major ones at that, but their hotness is such that it scorches our sight, impairs our visibility. If we are lucky with time we grow out of this. The things we look for in our partner, the things we place absolute importance on change. We are able to look past certain shortcomings which once were non-negotiables and realize that he more than makes up for it in other ways, ways that matter. He may not be super hot, he may have hair in places we don't always want our partners to have hair, he may have a couple extra pounds or be far too skinny, maybe he has a couple extra blemishes, he may be too pale, he may have crooked teeth, he may be bald...it's always something... but you know what, he may have an amazing sense of humor, maybe he treats you in a way that makes you feel like you are the only woman alive, maybe he gives you a sense of security, maybe he does things that leave you in awe, he motivates you, he supports you in your endeavors, he makes you feel loved... and suddenly this person that you underestimated in the beginning, that you were never really attracted to becomes absolutely beautiful to you. They are beautiful on the inside and amazingly enough you don't even notice the other things that you once didn't like about them, in fact sometimes you come to appreciate these things.
Eventually you learn to see past certain things and suddenly you realize those adages you grew up hearing hold some truth to them. Let's face it, looks do fade (we, as in human beings, go bald, our skin loses its radiance, we get sun/age spots, we often lose our mobility, etc...), so if that is what your relationship was based on, if the main reason you are with a person is because of how they look, then I am sorry to have to tell you that you are screwed, because if your looks happen to go first you might find that your partner has left right along with them. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, I know that on occasion my view of a person has changed drastically once I have gotten to know them... men I once thought were hot have suddenly lost their luster when I realize that they are selfish/self-centered/unkind/dim-witted/have no sense of humor/disrespectful or any given combination of these. I have also found myself realizing that maybe I underestimated certain individuals, that maybe I was too shallow to realize what they had to offer at first, that who they are makes them shine more than all the beautiful faces put together. In the end we really do end up with companions, let'ts face it, love is complex and it is anything but static, it mutates, evolves, it undergoes millions of tiny metamorphoses. The love you feel at the beginning of a relationship is not the same as the love you feel 5 years down the line, which in turn, is not the same as what you feel 25 years later. This, however, is in no way a bad thing, it can be, but it doesn't have to be! Other changes take place... women go through menopause and often this has an effect on their sexuality, most men deal with erectile dysfunction at one point or another, many have prostate problems which can lead to impotence. I am not saying that sexual activities have no importance, believe me, you guys know that I am the first person to admit that sex is important. What I am saying is that often with age sexual activity becomes limited...and if (when) that happens you had better hope to God/Allah/Yahweh/whichever higher power you choose to believe in, that you chose a partner whose company you enjoy, whose friendship you value and whose conversation enthralls you.
Unfortunately, these are things you come to understand with age... only with age do we truly realize who merits our time, our hearts, our attention, our efforts...and most importantly, who does not.
I know we have all heard it...looks fade, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, eventually all you are left with is a companion... let's face it when we are younger we hear these sayings time and time again, but we don't care. We want the hot one, the ones our friends think are hot, they can have their faults, major ones at that, but their hotness is such that it scorches our sight, impairs our visibility. If we are lucky with time we grow out of this. The things we look for in our partner, the things we place absolute importance on change. We are able to look past certain shortcomings which once were non-negotiables and realize that he more than makes up for it in other ways, ways that matter. He may not be super hot, he may have hair in places we don't always want our partners to have hair, he may have a couple extra pounds or be far too skinny, maybe he has a couple extra blemishes, he may be too pale, he may have crooked teeth, he may be bald...it's always something... but you know what, he may have an amazing sense of humor, maybe he treats you in a way that makes you feel like you are the only woman alive, maybe he gives you a sense of security, maybe he does things that leave you in awe, he motivates you, he supports you in your endeavors, he makes you feel loved... and suddenly this person that you underestimated in the beginning, that you were never really attracted to becomes absolutely beautiful to you. They are beautiful on the inside and amazingly enough you don't even notice the other things that you once didn't like about them, in fact sometimes you come to appreciate these things.
Eventually you learn to see past certain things and suddenly you realize those adages you grew up hearing hold some truth to them. Let's face it, looks do fade (we, as in human beings, go bald, our skin loses its radiance, we get sun/age spots, we often lose our mobility, etc...), so if that is what your relationship was based on, if the main reason you are with a person is because of how they look, then I am sorry to have to tell you that you are screwed, because if your looks happen to go first you might find that your partner has left right along with them. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, I know that on occasion my view of a person has changed drastically once I have gotten to know them... men I once thought were hot have suddenly lost their luster when I realize that they are selfish/self-centered/unkind/dim-witted/have no sense of humor/disrespectful or any given combination of these. I have also found myself realizing that maybe I underestimated certain individuals, that maybe I was too shallow to realize what they had to offer at first, that who they are makes them shine more than all the beautiful faces put together. In the end we really do end up with companions, let'ts face it, love is complex and it is anything but static, it mutates, evolves, it undergoes millions of tiny metamorphoses. The love you feel at the beginning of a relationship is not the same as the love you feel 5 years down the line, which in turn, is not the same as what you feel 25 years later. This, however, is in no way a bad thing, it can be, but it doesn't have to be! Other changes take place... women go through menopause and often this has an effect on their sexuality, most men deal with erectile dysfunction at one point or another, many have prostate problems which can lead to impotence. I am not saying that sexual activities have no importance, believe me, you guys know that I am the first person to admit that sex is important. What I am saying is that often with age sexual activity becomes limited...and if (when) that happens you had better hope to God/Allah/Yahweh/whichever higher power you choose to believe in, that you chose a partner whose company you enjoy, whose friendship you value and whose conversation enthralls you.
Unfortunately, these are things you come to understand with age... only with age do we truly realize who merits our time, our hearts, our attention, our efforts...and most importantly, who does not.
Thoughts!!
So, I have a thing for blogs. I have 4 that I read on a daily basis. These blogs inspire me, are thought provoking, make me appreciate little things and make me see the good in life. These 4 blogs tend to be very creative and often I find images that I really like, or images that touch me in a very profound way... Here are just a few that have had an impact on me:
This picture had the phrase "I can't keep drowning for you" as its caption. This image provoked an incredible emotional response from me and helped/shoved me into making one of the most difficult decisions of my life!
I adore this! "You get what you give, so give good." Despite the incorrect grammar this has become one of my life motto's, therefore at the moment I have two. Make sure what you are putting out there is good. Make sure you are giving good because that is what humanity deserves from you. Can you imagine how life would be if we all lived by this motto?
I just read this recently and I have found myself coming back to it often. I guess more often than not we try to see how we benefit from any given situation, "How is this going to affect me?", "What am I going to get out of it?", "Where do I come in?" Sometimes it is hard to realize that it is not all about us. Sometimes it is about what we can do for someone else, how we can help. Sometimes our sole purpose in someones life is to help that other person re-discover their self worth, help them realize their potential, help them realize how much they truly deserve.I find this so refreshing, I find myself so engrossed in my own problems, in my own life sometimes. It is so nice to have a reminder that sometimes it not about me, it's not supposed to be about me! I have had people in my life who have done just this for me, certain people who unknowingly are currently doing this for me, who are giving me faith, who are giving me hope. It doesn't necessarily have to be about love, but someone who restores your faith in humanity, who restores your will to believe, who reminds you of who you are, a person who makes you see your true qualities. A person who restores your hope or allows you to have hope for the first time in a long time, if ever... If you have hope, if you manage to find hope....well, that's just about one of the greatest gifts we can have in this life!
This picture had the phrase "I can't keep drowning for you" as its caption. This image provoked an incredible emotional response from me and helped/shoved me into making one of the most difficult decisions of my life!
I adore this! "You get what you give, so give good." Despite the incorrect grammar this has become one of my life motto's, therefore at the moment I have two. Make sure what you are putting out there is good. Make sure you are giving good because that is what humanity deserves from you. Can you imagine how life would be if we all lived by this motto?
I just read this recently and I have found myself coming back to it often. I guess more often than not we try to see how we benefit from any given situation, "How is this going to affect me?", "What am I going to get out of it?", "Where do I come in?" Sometimes it is hard to realize that it is not all about us. Sometimes it is about what we can do for someone else, how we can help. Sometimes our sole purpose in someones life is to help that other person re-discover their self worth, help them realize their potential, help them realize how much they truly deserve.I find this so refreshing, I find myself so engrossed in my own problems, in my own life sometimes. It is so nice to have a reminder that sometimes it not about me, it's not supposed to be about me! I have had people in my life who have done just this for me, certain people who unknowingly are currently doing this for me, who are giving me faith, who are giving me hope. It doesn't necessarily have to be about love, but someone who restores your faith in humanity, who restores your will to believe, who reminds you of who you are, a person who makes you see your true qualities. A person who restores your hope or allows you to have hope for the first time in a long time, if ever... If you have hope, if you manage to find hope....well, that's just about one of the greatest gifts we can have in this life!
A huge congrats!
I am so incredibly proud and happy for my friends today!
Regina got engaged....finally ;) She is set to marry the man of her dreams. Ruben is an honestly good guy, but more importantly he adores her and respects her and makes her happy! I wish them all the love, luck and fun in the world in this amazing experience (wedding planning) that they are about to embark on and in their future life together!!!
Then there is Dainel who just got his M.B.A. I am so incredibly proud of him. Working a full time job and still managing to go to school! This is a man who means the world to me and one of the few men who constantly restores my faith in men, who allows me to believe that there are quality men out there! I know I have been out of touch with him recently and for this I am greatly sorry and am not even going to belittle the situation by trying to justify my absence. However I do hope he knows how much I truly love him. This is a man who tried to help me in one of the darkest periods of my life, the first to do so actually. He showed up to school with an article he had cut out from a newspaper, he didn't lecture me, didn't say much, but he gave me that article, in his own way tried to let me know he was there for me and it only took years for that single action to touch my heart so profoundly. I was unable to see in the darkness that I lived in, unable to appreciate what kind of friend he was. This is a man who is caring, has a good heart, tries so hard, gives 100%. This is the man who, even though we were hundreds of miles apart, out of the blue sent me flowers on Valentine's Day sophmore year,... some beautiful star gazer lillies, my favorite! This is the man who always takes time to see me when I am home visiting, who has tried to fix the mess I always manage to create on my computers time and time again without ever expecting so much as a 'Thank you' in return. This is the man who does little things to show me he cares about me and our friendship. A man who sent me a beautiful arrangement of flowers when I turned 21, and he does all these things out of the goodness of his heart! He deserves so much and he will make some woman insanely happy one day and she better realize how lucky she is and realize what kind of a man she has in front of her and not break his heart or else she will have to deal with me. He is the man who laughed along with me through AP spanish, chemistry, physics, etc... this is the co-creator of the Howell Bear, the Burko Slug and the Delzangle Weenie. He's my Danielito, the one man I know I can always count on. When I lose faith in men, when I start to feel that all men are the same, when I feel that bitterness rising inside of me all I need to do is think of him and remember how lucky I am to have the friendship of a man who is capable of restoring my faith in the male species! I thank you from the bottom of my heart Daniel and I am so incredibly proud of you!!!!
I should probably actually tell Daniel and Regina these things, since I am fairly certain no one reads this blog anymore!
Regina got engaged....finally ;) She is set to marry the man of her dreams. Ruben is an honestly good guy, but more importantly he adores her and respects her and makes her happy! I wish them all the love, luck and fun in the world in this amazing experience (wedding planning) that they are about to embark on and in their future life together!!!
Then there is Dainel who just got his M.B.A. I am so incredibly proud of him. Working a full time job and still managing to go to school! This is a man who means the world to me and one of the few men who constantly restores my faith in men, who allows me to believe that there are quality men out there! I know I have been out of touch with him recently and for this I am greatly sorry and am not even going to belittle the situation by trying to justify my absence. However I do hope he knows how much I truly love him. This is a man who tried to help me in one of the darkest periods of my life, the first to do so actually. He showed up to school with an article he had cut out from a newspaper, he didn't lecture me, didn't say much, but he gave me that article, in his own way tried to let me know he was there for me and it only took years for that single action to touch my heart so profoundly. I was unable to see in the darkness that I lived in, unable to appreciate what kind of friend he was. This is a man who is caring, has a good heart, tries so hard, gives 100%. This is the man who, even though we were hundreds of miles apart, out of the blue sent me flowers on Valentine's Day sophmore year,... some beautiful star gazer lillies, my favorite! This is the man who always takes time to see me when I am home visiting, who has tried to fix the mess I always manage to create on my computers time and time again without ever expecting so much as a 'Thank you' in return. This is the man who does little things to show me he cares about me and our friendship. A man who sent me a beautiful arrangement of flowers when I turned 21, and he does all these things out of the goodness of his heart! He deserves so much and he will make some woman insanely happy one day and she better realize how lucky she is and realize what kind of a man she has in front of her and not break his heart or else she will have to deal with me. He is the man who laughed along with me through AP spanish, chemistry, physics, etc... this is the co-creator of the Howell Bear, the Burko Slug and the Delzangle Weenie. He's my Danielito, the one man I know I can always count on. When I lose faith in men, when I start to feel that all men are the same, when I feel that bitterness rising inside of me all I need to do is think of him and remember how lucky I am to have the friendship of a man who is capable of restoring my faith in the male species! I thank you from the bottom of my heart Daniel and I am so incredibly proud of you!!!!
I should probably actually tell Daniel and Regina these things, since I am fairly certain no one reads this blog anymore!
So much change, so little time!
It has been a while since I have felt like writing. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. Sometimes I get an urge to write but then work gets in the way, going out with friends gets in the way, laying on the couch doing nothing gets in the way, facebook gets in the way, basically, life gets in the way.
I wonder if I am living my life the right way, am I doing the right things? Am I just wasting my time? Am I going to pay for my decisions in the long run? Am I being productive? Are there really clear and concise answers to these questions? Chances are there probably aren't, in reality very few things in this life are black and white, cut and dry. I am a big fan of continuum's and spectrum's, shades of right and wrong, it all depends on perspective. Sometimes I think to myself, "Well, I am only 25. I am young. I have time." whereas other times I think to myself, "I am 25. I should be doing more with my life. I should have a path. I should be reaching some level of success."
I see some of my peers who are my age and are married, have kids, have careers and I feel something. What is that feeling? Jealousy? maybe. Envy? definitely. Pity? sometimes. While that may be some people's path, I know that it's not mine right now. While I like the idea of children it is not something I want or need right now. A career path, I think it's time to start thinking seriously about it, start setting goals for myself. I know what I want to be doing, I know it's a long path to get there, I know that path is difficult, but I know it is what I am meant to do.
Marriage... a subject that bring up so many emotions. I was with a friend today and out of the blue I turned to him and said, "You know, a year ago today I was engaged, and had been for about a month and if everything had gone according to plan I would be getting married in 2 months." What was that...a cruel joke? A lesson that needed to be learned? A brutal shove into the world of heartbreak and disappointment? A reminder that things can change in the blink of an eye? What did it bring about? Regret. Embarrassment. Shame. Pain. Humility, above all it brought about humility, humanity, gratitude, realizing that I don't know it all, don't have it all figured out.... Boy was I put in my place!
It is amazing how much a life, a dream, a person, can change in one year. A year ago I was sure I was ready to get married, now I just laugh at the idea, I am not in the least ready for such a huge step. This last year has been a roller coaster of emotion, some good, some bad, some excruciating...yet all of it liberating, all of it leading me down the path to who I am meant to become. A year ago I was engaged, I was sure I was with the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, he would be the father of my children, my lover, my companion, my partner 'til death do us part...was it a bit romanticized? sure, but I'm a romantic at heart and I always hope for the best. We had chosen a date, I had started looking at dresses, started sharing ideas with him. A year ago we had both looked to the future with hope and excitement. Then a couple of months later came the pre-shock to heartbreak, which I now know was to have many aftershocks. If only I could have warned myself, if only I hadn't been blind sided, if only I hadn't been so willing to hand out 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances. Suddenly we weren't engaged anymore. He wasn't ready. It wasn't the right time. We were still in love, just putting our plans on hold til we had both reached certain goals. I pretended it was ok. He pretended not to notice that it wasn't.
Nine months ago he shattered my heart in pieces, though at the time it felt like he had shattered my soul. Within a week the phone calls (yes, he couldn't even bring himself to lower the bomb in person) went from 'I love you' to 'I want to break-up'. I was a mess, I felt lost, I felt that I was losing everything, and in a way I did. I lost the future I had spent 5 years building. I spent the most miserable two weeks in California, waiting to come back to Italy to hear the jury's verdict. So much pleading, so many tears, so much confusion, such iciness from a man who meant everything to me, such anger, so much helplessness....feeling so betrayed! Weeks of teeter-tottering back and forth between accusations, anger, arguing, screaming and passion, hope, communication, laughter, reminiscing.... weeks in which I knowingly fooled myself.
Seven and a half months ago he came back asking for a second chance. I had moved out. I had lost my home, my self-confidence, my self-worth. I had gained two new roommates, anxiety attacks, weight, sleep problems, bags under my eyes. I still loved him, he had acted selfishly, he had hurt me more than anyone ever had before, but I still foolishly loved him, I still believed in US. He said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with me again... at least not yet, he had some issues of his own to work out, but he wanted to try to see if things could work out between us, he wanted to "date"... I said, ok, I allowed for the man I had been with for 5 years, the man I had lived with for 3+ years to pretend I was just another girl. I allowed him to make me feel like shit for the following months, allowed him to belittle my presence, belittle the sacrifices I had made for him, for us. I allowed him to ignore me and then come crawling into my bed when he felt like it, allowed him to be selfish, allowed him to place most of the blame on me, allowed him to leave me in tears constantly.
Four months ago I woke up! I realized I was miserable. Realized I deserved more, I deserved to be loved, respected, treated as an equal. I realized I no longer loved him, realized that in the past months he had slowly chipped away at the love I had felt for him. Four months ago I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I ended it with him, for good. Four months ago I found myself again, after months of feeling lost I finally felt like I was on the road to being me again. I felt liberated, able to breathe, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt terrified, but excited, hopeful, proud of myself.
Today, do I regret it? Not one bit. I know I made the right decision. Will I ever forget him? Forget the love we shared? Forget the pain he inflicted? Will I ever return to be the Cynthia I was before? No. He was a significant presence in my life. He was my first true love. I moved to a different country for him, defied my parents to live my life by his side. I have many great memories with him; thanks to him. Before him I was terrified of commitment... he changed that, he showed me how amazing love can be, he showed me how painful it can be, he showed me how much patience I can have, how much I am willing to do for the person I love, how important compromise is. He showed me how much of myself I was willing to give up for the other person, showed me what a mistake this is. He will never be forgotten, with time I will choose to see the pain and heartache as a life lesson. I will choose to remember the nights we stayed up talking, the laughter, the love, the passion, the happiness... I will think of him fondly. I will learn from this.
I know I will never go back to being who I used to be before this, but maybe that's a good thing. I now realize how strong of a woman I am, much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I realize that I have a great self-worth, that I am a good person. That I am unwilling to accept a man who doesn't realize what he has in front of him. I realize that for the first time in a very long time I am genuinely happy. I am happy with my life, I am enjoying being single, I am satisfied. I am no longer surviving, I feel like I am living.
Is this the right path? I don't know, but it's my path and whether it is right or wrong I am going to enjoy it and appreciate it. Am I wasting my time? Absolutely not, I am investing in myself! If there is anything worth spending time on, then it should be just that. I don't know where my life will lead me, I don't know what city it will lead me to, who it will lead me to...I don't know what the outcome of all of this will be, but I do know that I am hopeful about it, ready for the adventure, excited to see how it all plays out. In the end, maybe that's the way it's supposed to be, the way it was supposed to go. Maybe this is just another step on the road to the person I am supposed to become.
I wonder if I am living my life the right way, am I doing the right things? Am I just wasting my time? Am I going to pay for my decisions in the long run? Am I being productive? Are there really clear and concise answers to these questions? Chances are there probably aren't, in reality very few things in this life are black and white, cut and dry. I am a big fan of continuum's and spectrum's, shades of right and wrong, it all depends on perspective. Sometimes I think to myself, "Well, I am only 25. I am young. I have time." whereas other times I think to myself, "I am 25. I should be doing more with my life. I should have a path. I should be reaching some level of success."
I see some of my peers who are my age and are married, have kids, have careers and I feel something. What is that feeling? Jealousy? maybe. Envy? definitely. Pity? sometimes. While that may be some people's path, I know that it's not mine right now. While I like the idea of children it is not something I want or need right now. A career path, I think it's time to start thinking seriously about it, start setting goals for myself. I know what I want to be doing, I know it's a long path to get there, I know that path is difficult, but I know it is what I am meant to do.
Marriage... a subject that bring up so many emotions. I was with a friend today and out of the blue I turned to him and said, "You know, a year ago today I was engaged, and had been for about a month and if everything had gone according to plan I would be getting married in 2 months." What was that...a cruel joke? A lesson that needed to be learned? A brutal shove into the world of heartbreak and disappointment? A reminder that things can change in the blink of an eye? What did it bring about? Regret. Embarrassment. Shame. Pain. Humility, above all it brought about humility, humanity, gratitude, realizing that I don't know it all, don't have it all figured out.... Boy was I put in my place!
It is amazing how much a life, a dream, a person, can change in one year. A year ago I was sure I was ready to get married, now I just laugh at the idea, I am not in the least ready for such a huge step. This last year has been a roller coaster of emotion, some good, some bad, some excruciating...yet all of it liberating, all of it leading me down the path to who I am meant to become. A year ago I was engaged, I was sure I was with the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, he would be the father of my children, my lover, my companion, my partner 'til death do us part...was it a bit romanticized? sure, but I'm a romantic at heart and I always hope for the best. We had chosen a date, I had started looking at dresses, started sharing ideas with him. A year ago we had both looked to the future with hope and excitement. Then a couple of months later came the pre-shock to heartbreak, which I now know was to have many aftershocks. If only I could have warned myself, if only I hadn't been blind sided, if only I hadn't been so willing to hand out 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances. Suddenly we weren't engaged anymore. He wasn't ready. It wasn't the right time. We were still in love, just putting our plans on hold til we had both reached certain goals. I pretended it was ok. He pretended not to notice that it wasn't.
Nine months ago he shattered my heart in pieces, though at the time it felt like he had shattered my soul. Within a week the phone calls (yes, he couldn't even bring himself to lower the bomb in person) went from 'I love you' to 'I want to break-up'. I was a mess, I felt lost, I felt that I was losing everything, and in a way I did. I lost the future I had spent 5 years building. I spent the most miserable two weeks in California, waiting to come back to Italy to hear the jury's verdict. So much pleading, so many tears, so much confusion, such iciness from a man who meant everything to me, such anger, so much helplessness....feeling so betrayed! Weeks of teeter-tottering back and forth between accusations, anger, arguing, screaming and passion, hope, communication, laughter, reminiscing.... weeks in which I knowingly fooled myself.
Seven and a half months ago he came back asking for a second chance. I had moved out. I had lost my home, my self-confidence, my self-worth. I had gained two new roommates, anxiety attacks, weight, sleep problems, bags under my eyes. I still loved him, he had acted selfishly, he had hurt me more than anyone ever had before, but I still foolishly loved him, I still believed in US. He said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with me again... at least not yet, he had some issues of his own to work out, but he wanted to try to see if things could work out between us, he wanted to "date"... I said, ok, I allowed for the man I had been with for 5 years, the man I had lived with for 3+ years to pretend I was just another girl. I allowed him to make me feel like shit for the following months, allowed him to belittle my presence, belittle the sacrifices I had made for him, for us. I allowed him to ignore me and then come crawling into my bed when he felt like it, allowed him to be selfish, allowed him to place most of the blame on me, allowed him to leave me in tears constantly.
Four months ago I woke up! I realized I was miserable. Realized I deserved more, I deserved to be loved, respected, treated as an equal. I realized I no longer loved him, realized that in the past months he had slowly chipped away at the love I had felt for him. Four months ago I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I ended it with him, for good. Four months ago I found myself again, after months of feeling lost I finally felt like I was on the road to being me again. I felt liberated, able to breathe, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt terrified, but excited, hopeful, proud of myself.
Today, do I regret it? Not one bit. I know I made the right decision. Will I ever forget him? Forget the love we shared? Forget the pain he inflicted? Will I ever return to be the Cynthia I was before? No. He was a significant presence in my life. He was my first true love. I moved to a different country for him, defied my parents to live my life by his side. I have many great memories with him; thanks to him. Before him I was terrified of commitment... he changed that, he showed me how amazing love can be, he showed me how painful it can be, he showed me how much patience I can have, how much I am willing to do for the person I love, how important compromise is. He showed me how much of myself I was willing to give up for the other person, showed me what a mistake this is. He will never be forgotten, with time I will choose to see the pain and heartache as a life lesson. I will choose to remember the nights we stayed up talking, the laughter, the love, the passion, the happiness... I will think of him fondly. I will learn from this.
I know I will never go back to being who I used to be before this, but maybe that's a good thing. I now realize how strong of a woman I am, much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I realize that I have a great self-worth, that I am a good person. That I am unwilling to accept a man who doesn't realize what he has in front of him. I realize that for the first time in a very long time I am genuinely happy. I am happy with my life, I am enjoying being single, I am satisfied. I am no longer surviving, I feel like I am living.
Is this the right path? I don't know, but it's my path and whether it is right or wrong I am going to enjoy it and appreciate it. Am I wasting my time? Absolutely not, I am investing in myself! If there is anything worth spending time on, then it should be just that. I don't know where my life will lead me, I don't know what city it will lead me to, who it will lead me to...I don't know what the outcome of all of this will be, but I do know that I am hopeful about it, ready for the adventure, excited to see how it all plays out. In the end, maybe that's the way it's supposed to be, the way it was supposed to go. Maybe this is just another step on the road to the person I am supposed to become.
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