I don't even know what I want to write about. I just feel frustrated at the moment and I feel... I don't even know how to describe it, I feel so many emotions, some muted, others not as much. My day started off pretty shitty, but then took a very welcome turn and was wonderful... and now... I feel like I need to learn when to keep my big mouth shut! It is so hard to do so when you see a friend heading down a path that is going to lead to them getting hurt. I didn't mean to be as harsh as I was and I know it wasn't what he wanted to hear, but often you don't see things when you are the one dealing with them... sometimes you can't see clearly when you are too close to the situation. There are people who will just sit pretty and not say anything and let you go about your life, well, that's not me! He comes to me telling me about what is going on in his life, and I hate knowing that he is hurting in any way and I hate that he's suffering but when you're asking my opinion and he is clearly taking actions that are just going to cause him more pain.. I'm going to say something. I am not the type of friend who isn't going to say anything, you may choose to listen to me, you may choose to tell me to fuck off, you may choose to pretend you didn't hear... and I know it's not what you want to hear and I am sorry about that, but that is the type of friend I am. Even though I may have told you the cold and bitter truth I will still be around when you call me crying or when you need to vent or when you need to talk about the same thing for the tenth time, because once again, that is the type of friend I am!
Why do I even care? He is a close friend, I care deeply for him. He has been in my life since I was 18 and I don't talk about him often because he is a deeply private matter in my life. Sometimes I wonder why we are friends...We are so incredibly different and yet we are so alike. Despite all the reasons out there why we shouldn't be friends, despite the age difference, despite the distance, despite the different lifestyles, we are friends and we have managed to remain friends for 7 years now. He supported me through difficult times and vice versa, he allows me to divulge some innermost fears and thoughts and there is no judgement. He never judged me and he knew me at my worst. There have been arguments, I have been a bitch, he has been a dick, it hasn't happened often, but we always bounce back from it but we're always there when the other needs us. He fulfills something, I don't know what. I worry about him, he's going through a rough time at the moment. I will be his shoulder to lean on, just as he was for me so many years ago and as he was once again a few months back.
It is a friendship few would understand, it is a friendship few would be able to grasp, it is a friendship I don't talk about very often because it is a friendship I hold very dear to me and I would hate to hear judgement be passed on it. I know we'll talk tomorrow or the day after and I know he won't be angry and I will ask him how everything went and if things went the way I think they might I won't say I told you so, I will be there and I will listen...
...that's just the kind of friend I am.
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