It has been a while since I have felt like writing. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. Sometimes I get an urge to write but then work gets in the way, going out with friends gets in the way, laying on the couch doing nothing gets in the way, facebook gets in the way, basically, life gets in the way.
I wonder if I am living my life the right way, am I doing the right things? Am I just wasting my time? Am I going to pay for my decisions in the long run? Am I being productive? Are there really clear and concise answers to these questions? Chances are there probably aren't, in reality very few things in this life are black and white, cut and dry. I am a big fan of continuum's and spectrum's, shades of right and wrong, it all depends on perspective. Sometimes I think to myself, "Well, I am only 25. I am young. I have time." whereas other times I think to myself, "I am 25. I should be doing more with my life. I should have a path. I should be reaching some level of success."
I see some of my peers who are my age and are married, have kids, have careers and I feel something. What is that feeling? Jealousy? maybe. Envy? definitely. Pity? sometimes. While that may be some people's path, I know that it's not mine right now. While I like the idea of children it is not something I want or need right now. A career path, I think it's time to start thinking seriously about it, start setting goals for myself. I know what I want to be doing, I know it's a long path to get there, I know that path is difficult, but I know it is what I am meant to do.
Marriage... a subject that bring up so many emotions. I was with a friend today and out of the blue I turned to him and said, "You know, a year ago today I was engaged, and had been for about a month and if everything had gone according to plan I would be getting married in 2 months." What was that...a cruel joke? A lesson that needed to be learned? A brutal shove into the world of heartbreak and disappointment? A reminder that things can change in the blink of an eye? What did it bring about? Regret. Embarrassment. Shame. Pain. Humility, above all it brought about humility, humanity, gratitude, realizing that I don't know it all, don't have it all figured out.... Boy was I put in my place!
It is amazing how much a life, a dream, a person, can change in one year. A year ago I was sure I was ready to get married, now I just laugh at the idea, I am not in the least ready for such a huge step. This last year has been a roller coaster of emotion, some good, some bad, some excruciating...yet all of it liberating, all of it leading me down the path to who I am meant to become. A year ago I was engaged, I was sure I was with the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, he would be the father of my children, my lover, my companion, my partner 'til death do us part...was it a bit romanticized? sure, but I'm a romantic at heart and I always hope for the best. We had chosen a date, I had started looking at dresses, started sharing ideas with him. A year ago we had both looked to the future with hope and excitement. Then a couple of months later came the pre-shock to heartbreak, which I now know was to have many aftershocks. If only I could have warned myself, if only I hadn't been blind sided, if only I hadn't been so willing to hand out 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances. Suddenly we weren't engaged anymore. He wasn't ready. It wasn't the right time. We were still in love, just putting our plans on hold til we had both reached certain goals. I pretended it was ok. He pretended not to notice that it wasn't.
Nine months ago he shattered my heart in pieces, though at the time it felt like he had shattered my soul. Within a week the phone calls (yes, he couldn't even bring himself to lower the bomb in person) went from 'I love you' to 'I want to break-up'. I was a mess, I felt lost, I felt that I was losing everything, and in a way I did. I lost the future I had spent 5 years building. I spent the most miserable two weeks in California, waiting to come back to Italy to hear the jury's verdict. So much pleading, so many tears, so much confusion, such iciness from a man who meant everything to me, such anger, so much helplessness....feeling so betrayed! Weeks of teeter-tottering back and forth between accusations, anger, arguing, screaming and passion, hope, communication, laughter, reminiscing.... weeks in which I knowingly fooled myself.
Seven and a half months ago he came back asking for a second chance. I had moved out. I had lost my home, my self-confidence, my self-worth. I had gained two new roommates, anxiety attacks, weight, sleep problems, bags under my eyes. I still loved him, he had acted selfishly, he had hurt me more than anyone ever had before, but I still foolishly loved him, I still believed in US. He said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with me again... at least not yet, he had some issues of his own to work out, but he wanted to try to see if things could work out between us, he wanted to "date"... I said, ok, I allowed for the man I had been with for 5 years, the man I had lived with for 3+ years to pretend I was just another girl. I allowed him to make me feel like shit for the following months, allowed him to belittle my presence, belittle the sacrifices I had made for him, for us. I allowed him to ignore me and then come crawling into my bed when he felt like it, allowed him to be selfish, allowed him to place most of the blame on me, allowed him to leave me in tears constantly.
Four months ago I woke up! I realized I was miserable. Realized I deserved more, I deserved to be loved, respected, treated as an equal. I realized I no longer loved him, realized that in the past months he had slowly chipped away at the love I had felt for him. Four months ago I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I ended it with him, for good. Four months ago I found myself again, after months of feeling lost I finally felt like I was on the road to being me again. I felt liberated, able to breathe, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt terrified, but excited, hopeful, proud of myself.
Today, do I regret it? Not one bit. I know I made the right decision. Will I ever forget him? Forget the love we shared? Forget the pain he inflicted? Will I ever return to be the Cynthia I was before? No. He was a significant presence in my life. He was my first true love. I moved to a different country for him, defied my parents to live my life by his side. I have many great memories with him; thanks to him. Before him I was terrified of commitment... he changed that, he showed me how amazing love can be, he showed me how painful it can be, he showed me how much patience I can have, how much I am willing to do for the person I love, how important compromise is. He showed me how much of myself I was willing to give up for the other person, showed me what a mistake this is. He will never be forgotten, with time I will choose to see the pain and heartache as a life lesson. I will choose to remember the nights we stayed up talking, the laughter, the love, the passion, the happiness... I will think of him fondly. I will learn from this.
I know I will never go back to being who I used to be before this, but maybe that's a good thing. I now realize how strong of a woman I am, much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I realize that I have a great self-worth, that I am a good person. That I am unwilling to accept a man who doesn't realize what he has in front of him. I realize that for the first time in a very long time I am genuinely happy. I am happy with my life, I am enjoying being single, I am satisfied. I am no longer surviving, I feel like I am living.
Is this the right path? I don't know, but it's my path and whether it is right or wrong I am going to enjoy it and appreciate it. Am I wasting my time? Absolutely not, I am investing in myself! If there is anything worth spending time on, then it should be just that. I don't know where my life will lead me, I don't know what city it will lead me to, who it will lead me to...I don't know what the outcome of all of this will be, but I do know that I am hopeful about it, ready for the adventure, excited to see how it all plays out. In the end, maybe that's the way it's supposed to be, the way it was supposed to go. Maybe this is just another step on the road to the person I am supposed to become.
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