Goodbye Summer!

This past week the weather changed. It went from nice, sunny and warm to cool and rainy... you could almost feel the seasons start to change.. Today was warm-ish and the weather is supposed to be warm enough in the next days, but this past week was a foreshadowing of what is to come in the next few months. Even though it is warm outside there is still a chill in the air that wasn't there a few weeks ago. So, yes, my friends, autumn is upon us. I have to admit that I am not all that sad to bid summer adieu. I will say this much, though... it was a good summer :)

I got to go backstage and dance on stage with Skin (she was so nice) and with certain people from The Black Eyed Peas (even ended up back at their hotel along with a friend)

Spent quite a bit of time bagging some rays with my roommate

Attended my first Palio dell'Oca after many years of living in Trento

Hung out with friends

Went to Ireland, drank a lot of Guinness, stayed in a castle and met some amazing people

Munich

Playing hide and seek in complete darkness at a friends house at 2am 

(my friends house just happens to be a castle)

Salzburg

(If you look closely at these you might recognize a few places from The Sound of Music!!!)

(like this one...)

(...and this one...)

(...and this one...)

(...and this one...)

(...and this one...)

and well, let's be honest, there were a few drunken nights!

Advice me not

I always do this. I say I need advice and then I never really ask for it. I am not complaining though. I realize I have done this with most of the life decisions I have made thus far...or at least all the big ones. I did it when I was deciding where to go to college, I did it when I was deciding whether to study abroad or not, I did it when I was deciding whether to move to Italy or not and I did it when I was trying to decide whether or not to move in with my ex. I guess I just like for my decisions to be mine, without the input of others. I like to try to figure things out on my own. I like to try to figure out how I really feel about thing and what I think I should do before I ask other people what they think is right for me and my life, that's just the way I am.

I guess when it comes to big decisions I am just scared of making rash decisions and looking back 2 months later and thinking "Oh my goodness, what the fuck did I do?" but as my friend, Anita told me "Cyn, you may say rash things when you are angry, but in all the time I have known you, you have not yet made a rash decision." I asked her what she meant and what she said was so true. Basically, by the time I even get around to expressing an idea to others I have already been mulling it over in my head for quite a while. When I do come around to talking about these big decisions I already have a pretty clear idea in my head of what I want. So, why ask for advice? Well, I guess at that point it really isn't advice, is it? I guess I just want to know if the reaction from the people who know me best will be "Dude, what the hell are you doing?" which it hasn't been. As Anita made abundantly clear the other day I already know what my decision is, it is clear as day on my face... I know I am making the right decisions for myself at this moment.

I'm not ready for all the world to know my decisions, but when I am ready for everyone in my life to know what I am thinking then I will tell them and until then all I can say is that I know there are people out there who may not agree with how I live my life or the decisions I make, but all I can say is that it's my life and I will live it as I see fit. The consequences of my actions will affect my life and no one else's at this point in my life and therefore I will do what I think I should be doing, regardless of what others think. I am happy and excited!

Advice

I am in the middle of trying to make some very important life decisions. Decisions which will have a very real impact on my present and my future. I am very lost and don't know what to do. One minute I want to choose A and the next I am sure that what I want is B. I know deep down what I really want, but it's not that easy! This is one decision in which a Pro/Con list doesn't help. A has a lot of cons as does B, it's a matter of what I want, what I am willing to sacrifice, what that says about me. It's a BIG decision and I keep going back and forth and unfortunately it is not a decision I can wait on. I have to decide by the end of the month!

Something that took me by surprise is that as I am sitting here frustrated, trying to grapple with the reality and the weight of this/these decisions I realize I need advice, I need someone to bounce these ideas off of. 3 people automatically came into mind. Kate, because she always gives me up front advice, she makes me laugh when I am feeling depressed, she lets me just cry on cam and she uses her dog to try to make me feel better and she has no problem saying, "Cyn, just suck it up and deal with it," which is what I love about her. She never says, "You should do this." She just helps me clear out my ideas and arrive at my own conclusion in a much more sane way that I ever would have without her. She is very biased in this decision, actually, all the people involved are very biased, but she tries very hard to put that aside and I just know that I need her help at the moment. The second person that came to mind is Anita. I think that's because she is one of my best friends here, she is incredibly honest and insightful. She is another person who won't make up my mind for me, but will put me on the right path to my decision. She will listen and she will be blunt and I need that right now. PLus, I am going to see her in a few minutes!

What gave me the biggest surprise is the third person I felt the need to talk to... my Mother. I couldn't help but think, "I need to talk to my mom." This is a huge surprise for me, because up until now I have made most of my big life decisions without the advice of my parents, they have been my decisions 100%, which is not to say that I am going to follow my moms advice, because at the end of the day I live by the mantra that my decisions are my own, but it would be nice to know what she thinks. I guess I was just surprised because while I do share parts of my life with my mom I have found that I have become very guarded about what I share and what I do not share with my family in general. Let's face it, there are certain things parents don't need to know, they don't need to know about their child's romantic life, at least not until something/someone important comes along, they don't need to know about those drunken nights out with friends and I am sure that if I really thought about it I could think up of a million other things parents don't need to know about their kids... The phrase "Ojos que no ven, corazon que no siente" comes to mind. I have come to realize that I share about 20% of my going-ons with my family, which is how I like it. For some reason I feel the need to bounce these ideas of mine off my mom, mainly because she has never had a problem telling me that she thinks I am living my life the wrong way/doing the wrong thing. While I may not always take her advice it is good to know what she thinks, though sometimes and on certain subjects I prefer not to know. I guess the time is come to call my mom and just ask her to listen and give me some advice.

Sidenote: I just came back from my morning out with Anita and I feel better already. I talked thing out with me and like she said, "It seems to me that you have made your decision already... I mention 'Option A' and your face has a smile on it and you seem in peace, I mention 'Option B' and the change in your body, your face everything is palpable" I am definitely leaning more towards one than the other, one just feels right to me... like Anita said, "It seems like your gut is telling you something, maybe you should listen to it."

Brought me to tears

I saw this video on one of the blogs I read and it just moved me to tears... I want that! I refuse to settle until I find a love like that!

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

Random ramblings about life

I don't really have any one specific thing I want to write about at the moment, yet at the same time I have so many things I want to write about.

I tend to be a very determined person. When I set my mind to something I do everything and anything in my power to make it happen. I am not one of those people who believe that opportunities just fall into your lap, I'll admit that sometimes you get lucky and even then you have to work hard to get yourself into the position to be able to accept certain opportunities,but for the most part I think you have to work really hard to make things happen for you. As a friend of mine once told me, "Cyn, you have always set goals for yourself, you say 'I am going to do this' and every single time you actually do those things." It's true. I said I was going to move away from my parents house asap...and I did. I said I was going to study abroad in Italy...and I did. I said I was going to move to Italy when I finished at UCD...and I did. I did everything I could possibly do to make sure these things could happen. Another friend also told me recently that I am very determined, she said that it might take me some time to 'get there', i.e. make up my mind, but once I do I am very steadfast. I have thought about it and it's true. I have come to accept the fact that I am a strong woman and that when I say I am going to do something, I usually tend to do it. I also tend to be a person who has a very clear view, very clear ideas about where I am headed, what I want to be doing....I am a person who almost always has a path.

For one of the first times in my life I am pathless and I am having a hard time with that. It is a dilemma with two sides to it. On the one hand, I am free as a bird, which is liberating. The only thing I know is that I want to apply to some grad schools... I was recently asked where I wanted to apply and it hit me... I can apply anywhere! If I feel like applying to a program in Australia then I can, there is nothing stopping me. I can go wherever the wind blows me. I have no one I have to answer to...the world is my oyster! On the other hand, the very idea of not having a clear path makes me nervous. I think aside from the pathlessness the other thing I am having a hard time with is finding motivation. I think I am just so scared to figure things out that it's hard to find the motivation to move along. I know certain things I want to do... I have always wanted to live in New York, even if just for a year...now the only thing stopping me is that I have to finish school here. I skipped the exam session in January/February for some pretty obvious reasons. I was nowhere near the right mindset to do much of anything. Basically, I was a wreck. After a while I was fine, but I just couldn't find the motivation to study for the June/July session...I don't know if I was sabotaging myself and trying to let my study visa expire and therefore saving me the trouble of figuring out whether to stay or go....or if I was putting off actually moving forward towards being truly free of everything that is tying me to Italy. Either way, I find myself with only the September session left and a couple of exams I have to take if I want to keep my study visa/the right to keep living in Italy. I know I have to get studying and I can already feel the determined Cynthia, the Cynthia I haven't seen in a while stirring somewhere inside of me. If there is one aspect of my life where I have been most determined it has been in my studies. Something a friend told me last night basically hit the nail on the head... his response to my lack of motivation was just what I needed to hear...it went something along the lines of "What do you mean you need motivation? It's your fucking life, how's that for motivation." Honest, concise and just what I needed!

This past year has turned my world upside down. I had a very clear and solid path which I had been on for over 5 years and suddenly it's not that the path has taken an unexpected turn...the path is completely gone. Suddenly I find myself having to figure it out all over again. I find that I am single for the first time in my adult life, the main reason for my being in Italy no longer exists, doors that I had shut years ago have suddenly reopened and I have to admit that I am terrified of the possibilities.

I don't know how to date...I may be overweight but I've never had any problems meeting men and I have never had any issues finding men to date, but dating is different when you are 17, 18, 19 than when you are 25. I am so used to being in a couple, that this whole having-to-think-of-"me"-and-not-"we"' thing has taken some getting used to. There are certain things that I do miss about being in a relationship... I miss having someone to share certain things with, I miss having someone to be sweet with, I miss having someone to cook for...and, we're all adults here so let's be honest, I miss the sex...I really miss sex. I am not saying that I miss all these things with my ex in mind, I just miss them in general. I have a friend who I am so grateful for...he has helped me more than he can imagine in this period... I mean we spend ridiculous amounts of time together, we get along very well, we have similar interests, he makes me laugh, I can be honest with him (even if it upsets him sometime) and vice versa, he gives me another person to cook for (which I am extremely grateful for), he has helped ease my transition from coupledom to single life... I have a friend who calls him my non-boyfriend-boyfriend, which I find very entertaining. There is nothing romantic between us, he is a very handsome guy but not my type and I find this friendship very comforting and I feel like it came along just when I needed it. We haven't known each other for a very long time, but I trust him, which knowing how I am about men is nothing short of a miracle!

Basically, there have been a ton of changes in this past year and I am terrified and yet exhilarated at the same time about what is to come. I still have a lot of stuff to figure out but for now I am going to try to focus on finishing school here, taking the GRE's, making the most of being in Europe while I can...and most importantly I am going to continue doing what is going to make me happy and once I find my motivation (which, as I mentioned, I am beginning to feel once again) and most importantly my determination, there will be no stopping me!

Top O' the Mornin' to ya!!!

I am off to Ireland for the next two weeks.... I'm feeling excited, nervous, scared...let's hope I am up to the challenge!!!

Sometimes you just need to write...

I don't even know what I want to write about. I just feel frustrated at the moment and I feel... I don't even know how to describe it, I feel so many emotions, some muted, others not as much. My day started off pretty shitty, but then took a very welcome turn and was wonderful... and now... I feel like I need to learn when to keep my big mouth shut! It is so hard to do so when you see a friend heading down a path that is going to lead to them getting hurt. I didn't mean to be as harsh as I was and I know it wasn't what he wanted to hear, but often you don't see things when you are the one dealing with them... sometimes you can't see clearly when you are too close to the situation. There are people who will just sit pretty and not say anything and let you go about your life, well, that's not me! He comes to me telling me about what is going on in his life, and I hate knowing that he is hurting in any way and I hate that he's suffering but when you're asking my opinion and he is clearly taking actions that are just going to cause him more pain.. I'm going to say something. I am not the type of friend who isn't going to say anything, you may choose to listen to me, you may choose to tell me to fuck off, you may choose to pretend you didn't hear... and I know it's not what you want to hear and I am sorry about that, but that is the type of friend I am. Even though I may have told you the cold and bitter truth I will still be around when you call me crying or when you need to vent or when you need to talk about the same thing for the tenth time, because once again, that is the type of friend I am!

Why do I even care? He is a close friend, I care deeply for him. He has been in my life since I was 18 and I don't talk about him often because he is a deeply private matter in my life. Sometimes I wonder why we are friends...We are so incredibly different and yet we are so alike. Despite all the reasons out there why we shouldn't be friends, despite the age difference, despite the distance, despite the different lifestyles, we are friends and we have managed to remain friends for 7 years now. He supported me through difficult times and vice versa, he allows me to divulge some innermost fears and thoughts and there is no judgement. He never judged me and he knew me at my worst. There have been arguments, I have been a bitch, he has been a dick, it hasn't happened often, but we always bounce back from it but we're always there when the other needs us. He fulfills something, I don't know what. I worry about him, he's going through a rough time at the moment. I will be his shoulder to lean on, just as he was for me so many years ago and as he was once again a few months back.

It is a friendship few would understand, it is a friendship few would be able to grasp, it is a friendship I don't talk about very often because it is a friendship I hold very dear to me and I would hate to hear judgement be passed on it. I know we'll talk tomorrow or the day after and I know he won't be angry and I will ask him how everything went and if things went the way I think they might I won't say I told you so, I will be there and I will listen...

...that's just the kind of friend I am.